You Thought the Last Post Was Mean?

I wrote this paper in my freshman year, oh wait I'm still in my freshman year. . .

I was unable to find the final copy so this is just the rough draft (emphasis on ROUGH).



Twinkie Tax or McGladiator Fights?
For those of you who don't know or don't think that there is an obesity problem in this country, here is a window on your solid wall of oblivion. When the airlines need to spend 275,000,000 dollars to burn more than 350,000,000 extra gallons of fuel just for fat people, there's an issue. (Twinkie Tax) Go to your nearest internet browser and look at this picture. http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/11_02/holidayG1111_468x343.jpg. It is amazing to me that people like this are even able to reproduce. Now go to http://www.images.google.com and type in “fat people.” Did you get four and a half million results. Is there still no problem? In 1999 the surgeon general released a report saying that 14% of all people 12-19 years of age were overweight. Are you kidding; no, you're fat kidding. If we as a country continue to traverse (metaphorically speaking because really we are not actually moving enough) down this path it could lead to serious irreversible and perhaps unforeseen problems for the future. Optimistically, there are solutions for people who insist of increasing their body size exponentially.
Luckily, the government could choose to tax the fat these people eat. This is called the “Twinkie Tax” The idea was proposed about 15 years ago by Kelly Brownell. He's director of Yale's Center for Eating and Weight Disorder. This is a nice way of saying “The guy who Yale is paying to get rid of people being so fat they indirectly kill themselves.” The way it works is real simple. It's real cheap to produce a mcburger. Something like that might cost a spare dollar in your pocket. What if the mcflipper who made the mcburger was forced to charge three spare bucks and then give two of them back to the government. The government then subsidizes the difference between the head of super-leafy-green-organic-broccoli-goodness and the mcburger so that people can choose to be healthy! But not only would it make good food cheaper, it would dissuade people from getting fast food as often if it is so expensive. It would appear that here, McMericans, I mean Americans, tend to pay for stuff when it is cheaper, check out alcohol tobacco sales as an example. But really that is not entirely fair oversimplification of the process because it wouldn't even take that much. Perhaps what we need from the government subsidies is actually just more nutritional education. Somewhere along the lines we just need the youth to understand that Daddy and Mommy don't actually save anything from their wallets when they are adding that much to their waistlines.
Think that people should outright have a choice on the food they eat? Cigarette companies aren't allowed to put up billboards anymore in most states. In the late 1980-90s a 25-cent tax was enacted for every pack bought and at least 5 cents of that was allocated specifically for the education of anti-tobacco. There was a decline of almost 30% in tobacco use. (Twinkie Tax) Seriously, if the government is allowed to suggest to people that sucking cancer into your lungs is bad I'm fairly certain they should be able to suggest that biting into fatty, diabetic patties isn't too good for your liver or pancreas either.
Nobody is saying that “you can't have cancer sticks,” and nobody is enforcing that “fat injected grease discs” are illegal. There is simply a movement to slow down people through educational and economic means from clogging their arteries while climbing into their supersized-caskets.
It may seem slightly extreme to consider this excessively excessive weight deterrent but hear me out; imagine McGladiator fights. Tournaments could be exclusively for the “biggest” possible contenders in a big arena several hundred feet across in which competitors actually fight each other. There could even be a tier system based on weights; Biggies, McFatts, and Supersized! If the 100m sprints across the arena didn't give them an instant heart attack the opponents could attempt to crush each other. At half time each player could give a life-story tracking their trans-fat intakes, unless of course they were too out of breath to talk. The entire epically proportioned McLympiad could be hosted by the “Hostess” with the Mostest (over-encumbered-ness) and sponsored by the “big” names in fast food. Nothing would sell better than an ironic “Slow Games is sponsored by Fast Food here on ABC.” Later they could even expand the games to encased cages in which kids are administered pure sugar intravenously and then given Ritalin! No, that would be too far.
Really though, that makes the next proposal sound even more reasonable. Strap everyone with a pedometer and make it law that everyone gets at least 8,000 steps/three miles roughly. If there is no compliance, the instigator can be shot on site. This is an idea that is just going to be put on there. It could possibly be earth shattering so try to bear with it. Eliminate drive-throughs and place the actual ordering counter a mile away. At least if you want to order that mcburger you have to walk off half of it before you even get there.
The worst part about all of this is the fact that it is being called an epidemic. As if it is sweeping the country sides like the black plague. Economically it would be in anyone's best interest to stay as healthy and therefore active as possible unless you like the idea of piles of mcmedical bills in your near future. Maybe some people like heart palpitations and collecting heart attacks. An excellent happy meal for adults could be a mcbypass surgery or you could go with the deluxe mctriple bypass surgery. There are however no plans at this time by any of the fast food companies to include deals like this in their smile meal packages.
In conclusion, aside from all unnecessarily snide and unpleasant comments this is a serious problem. Even if there is a feeling of want to eat fast food and be over weight there are still some negative effects that should be kept in mind for the future. First off, overweight adolescents have a 70% chance of going on to become overweight adults and that increases to 80% if one of their parents is obese. Just in general, again without any cruel jokes, some of the risks and problems very closely associated with being overweight are heart disease, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and even cancer. On a psychological level there are immediate threats of perceived social discrimination paired with low self-esteem and depression. (Surgeon General) With this we could be moving towards a culture and society built entirely around the payments of medical bills to make up for lack of general good health practices just based on nutrition. It's not too late to put down that burger....