Self Imposed Indignities (but not really)

First off, you need to watch this music video Days Go By.

Over a month ago, I received an assignment for a group project. It wasn't really that big of a deal or that imposing of a project, but still more than a month was given to fulfill the requirements. So, it's two people plus myself in this lab group. One week goes by, then another, then another, and finally one more week. My group and I find ourselves within four days of when this project is due. Finally on Wednesday, just two days before the presentation was due, I emailed my professor inquiring about getting into the lab to perform the experiment. He emailed me back explaining that there was in a class in the lab until 6:20 and that if I came by then, that the T.A. would leave the door open for me after class. So I showered and headed over there around 6:00 to make it there by 6:15. As I approached the door, my lab instructor walked out and looked at me with incredulous eyes, "I almost left without you" in a deep African accent (I realize that African is not a language but I'm too ignorant to know which country he is actually from. . .). Without correcting him by citing the email he sent me which very clearly and explicitly stated 6:20pm, I nodded and apologized.
"Now, what is it that you need to do?" he inquired.
"Oh, well we need to perform our experiment" I excitedly answered.
"Wait, you still need to perform the experiment?"
"Oh. . .yea, well we have not had a chance. I mean, we have had plenty of chances but my group and I have yet to actually execute our intended experiment"
"Do you know how long it has been since I had assigned this project?"
"Errrm, yes I do."
"It has been one month!" he staggered with frustration.
"Yeah, it has. I am kind of the most practiced procrastinator that I know," I tried to offer happily.
He was not amused or impressed. He put his hands on his hips and started walked towards his office, which is located in the lab room. As he passed between myself and a desk, I shuffled backwards to allow for a larger opening. I removed my jacked, left arm first, as I walked toward my normal desk located near the back of the room. I put my bag down on the table silently,and pulled the chair out as I repositioned my jacket on it.

He walked out of his office and stared at me from across the room. "So, I give you one month to complete this project with your group and you wait until now to perform the experiment? What experiment are you going to perform?"

"Ahuh, well, ummm, mainly what I had in mind was an experiment similar to the one we did in class with the fermentation and the CO2 and yeah. . ." I trailed off rummaging through my papers hoping that he would just answer or walk away. But instead he just looked at me, silently. I countered his silence attack with more paper rummaging. I'm so unorganized I didn't even have to fake looking for the correct page, as it was legitimately taking me the entire time to find the page I was looking for. The silent stayed, filling the room like the fermenting yeast I wanted to experiment with. Finally, after about 400,000 years of unsettling trepidation in which my instructor stared at me silently standing hands on his hips like a greek statue the silence was broken. I could hear the crimping of his leather jacket and he moved his hands across his torso into a folding position across his chest. He stood straighter, another 400,000 years of silence passed but this time he was in a modern superstar pose.

Finally, "What were you going to do when you came here?"
I shook my head slightly looking down at the papers scattered across the table in a semicircle. Then I raised my head and made eye contact with him for a brief moment only to break it and instinctively look at the blank chalkboard for the answers I knew I wouldn't find. I looked back down at all the white rectangles. He wanted something from me and I wouldn't give it to him. He wanted me to redeem myself slightly with a justified and complete answer.

In this moment, the gears didn't turn, no switches flipped, and no lights shined through my thick skull. The words on the pages were just inconsistently dotted black lines, cryptic and illegible. I began to float as sweat started flowing out of my pores and my hair stood straight up. All the energy left my body and was converted to bioelectricity to power the light in the room, which became intensely brighter. I opened my mouth to allow for the flow of bullshit to easily pour as it normally does. But, instead I found only my breath, and the lucid transparency that came out with it. In slow motion, I stuttered for a second. "I think we were going to test for the fermentation of various foods."
"Yes, I understood that, but what were you actually going to do, this is your experiment, explain it to me," in a demanding manner.
"Well, we were going to use food extract I suppose, like rice for example, and then yeast something or other as the substrate. Then conduct the same experiment with several other items in order to scale the relativity of the various foods." I sounded rediculous and I knew it. He knew it too. He kept his arms folded but widened his stance to look at the group. He smiled and then laughed to himself a bit out loud. Then raised his head and straightened his stance a little. "What do you need from me?" His tone was almost patronizing.
"Ummm, let me think real quick," which was a total bluff, I couldn't think anything in that moment, I could only feel. What I felt was despair and comedy. I almost laughed out loud. I was not laughing with him, however. He was laughing because he took his job and position seriously. As if he, on his high horse (or high chair for class really) was in such a position to dictate to me some aspect of my life for a few hours. As if he thought he had power over me in some way because I should feel subjected to perform in some way because of him since he held my grade in hand. And as if I should take it seriously because the performance I gave in his class and at this moment somehow were connected to my own future. I should have been the one laughing. . .

He failed to perceive the key variable in this equation.

(the amount of care I have) + (the amount of time I have) = (how well I convince people of the bullshit I formulate) And so, in this particular situation the key variable was this: I didn't give a fuck and the amount of care I had was zero. If my instructor had taken the time to perform his job seriously and actually get to know his students, his students would have reciprocated that respect and if they too cared, would have taken it upon themselves to show some consideration in return. So if anyone should have been laughing, it should have been me. I was going to B.S. this project regardless of the time frame. Everyone else did the same, just a few weeks or days earlier. In not caring I had nothing to lose and he didn't hold any power over me no matter how pathetic I seemed to him.

"Yeah, well I'm very hungry and I have not eaten, what do you need from me?"
"I guess we'll just take the biueret reagent. . ."
"Okay, good luck then," as he briskly walked out away from me.