Confirmation.

Hmmm. I'm trying to think back to the moment when I decided I was going to go to med school.

It was a cool spring night in the week of exams. I was looking at deejay equipment around 3 or 4 am. Suddenly, I just really wanted to go to med school by day and deejay by night? I don't really know, I can't really describe why it hit me like that. But I envisioned myself as a secret psychiatrist. I mostly just wanted to help people? Who knows really. But, it was a happy thought. I considered it under severe sleep deprivation and deliriousness from stress. Then, exam week ended and I caught up on sleep. Soon after, I realized I had made a 4.0. Suddenly, it occurred to me that I could do this. So I went back to my old school on a mission.
Chemistry
Biology
Math
All things I remember doing well on in school. I remember hearing nightmare stories about chemistry. I couldn't wait to get in there. I wanted to take something difficult and interesting. I remember seeing equations on the board and knowing them instantly. My name was always in the top of the list for grades in that class. It just didn't feel that difficult.

I admit I have not taken any classes like that for a while. But I figured it would just come back. I assumed that I would just feel that way again. Hell, even if I needed to relearn it, wouldn't be that bad. Did I let my ego inflate too much? I've never considered myself anywhere near genius or brilliant but I could get it and I could do it.

Point being I just carpet bombed the shit out of a chem exam I thought I was ready for. While I was taking it, I was thinking to myself, this is not as bad as I thought it would be. I've got this under control. This is so great, I'll get away with a B on this!

Except I didn't. And I've probably put more into this class than ever before. As in, I care. I have not worked very hard at it, but I don't work hard at any classes ever. I joined a study group and actually takes notes. Those things feel like huge steps but apparently not big enough. How much do I really want to put into this class? And what about when the classes become more difficult?

Peace out medschool, it was a good plan and a fun thought. I'm just not up for it. :/