Hmmm it is August 7th, I'm sitting on the bottom bunk of my bed in my cabin. None of my four campers are here so I'm sneaking (kind of) on my laptop. I'm also chewing bubble gum as evidenced in the photo (another no no). But I'm making an exception for this particular day. It's the day I never imaged actually coming. It's also the day I have dreaded the most for the past five weeks.
What is today? Well, it's the last day of camp. I have serious conclusion, exit, exeunt, ending, etc. problems. I just end up wanting to make every event ceremonious and exceptional. But, things just seemingly go by normally without admittance of the termination of a time. Everyone knows what is happening, but the day is just passing by normally as if nothing will be different tomorrow. And it's killing me.
I can remember the first day I drove up to look around the place I would spending my sea of time (the summer). And the first night I slept here at camp, I couldn't sleep at all. And in the morning, I thought to myself, "it's going to be a very, very, unbearably long summer. . ." The first week soon became a blur, however. Then every day after that added to the blur until the memory of the summer was just one blob of a day that lasted seemingly forever, yet in this moment, the summer was infinitely short.
The problem with camp is that it's so removed from the real world. I felt so lost when I first came here. My sense of direction was completely gone and I think i had lost some sight of who I was and what I wanted. Here at camp, I found myself and someone else. And within that, I feel satisfied completely for my time here. I made the money I needed for deejay equipment, I met a person I want to let change my life, and I put myself back on my map of my future. More than I agreed to gain when I signed my contract, so I'm thrilled. But, the end of camp is more the rebirth of the real world. And when I return, I'm not sure I'll be ready. My biggest concerns won't be counting campers, keeping the cabin orderly, or keeping a group of totally ADHD campers remotely interested in topics they don't find interesting. But, grades that dictate my (highly competitive) career options, money (for school and everything else), and the maintaining and nurturing of my newly found flourishing romance will be threats (not in that order) and catalysts for anxiety. So, when all of those things come crashing through, will I be able to maintain the things I have gained at camp. Will I still be able to look on the map of my future and find myself. Will I be able to uphold the hopes that I have recently found? We shall wait and see.
The absolute worst part about leaving camp is the people. It's weird to consider the only constants in my life for the past eight weeks have been the people and the schedule. And, the single constant above all of that is my increasing interest and attention towards a kind of miniature love. I'll touch this base after camp ends and I'm back home.
The last supper is coming soon, I'm going to come back to these thoughts briefly during my night off. Here is to hoping I don't black out from exhaustion at dinner or council fire. . .
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