Back to School

Hmmm back in school. So many things that don't play a role in real day-to-day life come up, hopefully because of good things? It's weird to be back here. My mail is behind by about three days, so sorry to all the fans who write in. . .kidding.

I try to categorize my life whenever possible so that I can label that section of my life with something. So the top news stories in my life.

Laptop Broken

About two or nights ago, my laptop would not turn on. It has been kind of flaky lately about getting out of bed, but this time it wouldn't wake up or anything, it just kind of went comatose on me. I have narrowed the problem down to either a logic board problem where it is no longer operating correctly with the video card, or perhaps it is strictly a video card problem. Either way, my computer appears to turn on but nothing appears on my screen on the output of the external monitor. . . So that's pretty sweet. I suppose I should be grateful it happened now and not later in the year, perhaps during a procrastinated paper or before a final exam.

Still Depressed

I feel not quite like myself. I feel dumb. I can't seem to recall anything from anywhere. I feel like I don't have quite enough energy or drive to do anything. I feel like I'm always on autopilot? I find myself completely blanking out on walking to class or climbing stares. Certainly I can see where splitting of the consciousness would come into play here, but it has never happened like this to me before. I feel like someone else with all my memories climbed into my skin and took over driving, and now I'm just the co-pilot. Perhaps just a phase or something I'm not really sure.

Turn Tableism

I'm quite a shitty DJ. I bought all the equipment I need to start off with the basics -tables, a mixer, the music, and tons of expectations. I hear other deejays who are professional or quite capable and I can hear what they are doing with the music but I can't seem to perform the same transitions or builds up to par. Though it's been less than a week of serious attempt, I can't help but feel like I'm improving in stalled slow motion.

Lo

I can't seem to do anything without missing her. Day and night I look for her in things I have, and the things around me. I look for her face on the people I pass and I try to find her voice in the jungle of sounds around campus. With no luck time after time, I just play her playlist which is more like a soundtrack really. It's a small price to pay really, she is worth so much more than the cost. But being away from her certainly doesn't make things easier.

More on the way I'm sure. Eventually I'll get around to being inspired and saying the things I want to say, saying the things I need to say, and saying the things people think I should say. But until then, find your own soundtrack.

Back to school we go!

Tonight/the next five hours will be my last here at "home" for a while. Pretty soon, I will be headed back to school. Goodness.

I'm dating someone now. And yes, it's going very well, thank you for asking. She came to visit here last week. We had only gone nine days without seeing each other. The countdown to her coming here was like an endless river of time leading into a vast ocean of togetherness. But, it was all a mirage apparently, because now I'm sitting here alone and three hours away from her in a desert that used to be an ocean of time. But that's how those things are really.

Saw '500 Days of Summer'. Good movie, lame ending, won't give anything away. Also just got back from 'Inglorious Basterds'. Liked it much better than I thought I would, considering I'm not exactly much of a Tarantino fan, just looked away for the more gruesome parts, but mostly it was a very good movie, some solid moments of humor and emotional turmoil.

I promised some good friends from the old neighborhood that I would hang out with them tonight. And I passed up three other options in order to stay committed, understanding that the plans were set. But, apparently, they weren't cause half of our group bailed. Awesome minus awesome plus lame. So, we went to see Inglorious Basterds instead of confirming my global domination on a risk board. Kind of a letdown for the planet, I'm well aware, but I'll raise my armies another time to conquer evil doers!

The drive home was interesting. I don't remember it, except for the second half of the 40 minute journey. Mostly because I was having babyish labor pains (pun). Kidding on the labor pain, I don't want to offend anyone and pretend I could endure them, but literally I was sure for about 10 seconds that an alien was had been growing inside my stomach was going to jump out and face hug me right then. So, I three real options:

A - Pull over to the side of the ride and punch myself so the IBS inflicted pains seemed infantile in comparison (another pun)
B - Do a Sigourney Weaver and kill the alien inside of me. Then make a trilogy.
or
C - Just wait that shit out and have painfully explosive diarrhea once I got home

I went with C, and I have to say, in this particular moment I'm fairly pleased with the results, though a few minutes ago on the commode I was screaming profanities to myself in three different languages.

So, now I'm kind of off to bed. I need to make a post about my mother, just to generally vent about my frustrations from her, and my inability to cope with them for my own soul. Trust me, I'll still sleep peacefully.

I leave in less than five hours to make the long haul and then move in. Still, it feels like I'll never get out of the prison of a house to be in the place I want to be. Hopefully, I'll be writing much more very soon, as there is much to write and much time and inspiration just around the proverbial corner (proverbial in this case would actually be directly referring to a 3+ hour drive endured with the silence of my father and then gruesome hauling of my wasteful-American-materialist-sized shit into my actual room at school.

So, until next time, (insert catchy/deep phrase here)

If you get injured there is always some 'First Aid' for your ears from Super8 & Tab from the Anjunabeats Melodic Trance 04 album. It's a superb track.

Late Post

Hmmm it is August 7th, I'm sitting on the bottom bunk of my bed in my cabin. None of my four campers are here so I'm sneaking (kind of) on my laptop. I'm also chewing bubble gum as evidenced in the photo (another no no). But I'm making an exception for this particular day. It's the day I never imaged actually coming. It's also the day I have dreaded the most for the past five weeks.

What is today? Well, it's the last day of camp. I have serious conclusion, exit, exeunt, ending, etc. problems. I just end up wanting to make every event ceremonious and exceptional. But, things just seemingly go by normally without admittance of the termination of a time. Everyone knows what is happening, but the day is just passing by normally as if nothing will be different tomorrow. And it's killing me.

I can remember the first day I drove up to look around the place I would spending my sea of time (the summer). And the first night I slept here at camp, I couldn't sleep at all. And in the morning, I thought to myself, "it's going to be a very, very, unbearably long summer. . ." The first week soon became a blur, however. Then every day after that added to the blur until the memory of the summer was just one blob of a day that lasted seemingly forever, yet in this moment, the summer was infinitely short.

The problem with camp is that it's so removed from the real world. I felt so lost when I first came here. My sense of direction was completely gone and I think i had lost some sight of who I was and what I wanted. Here at camp, I found myself and someone else. And within that, I feel satisfied completely for my time here. I made the money I needed for deejay equipment, I met a person I want to let change my life, and I put myself back on my map of my future. More than I agreed to gain when I signed my contract, so I'm thrilled. But, the end of camp is more the rebirth of the real world. And when I return, I'm not sure I'll be ready. My biggest concerns won't be counting campers, keeping the cabin orderly, or keeping a group of totally ADHD campers remotely interested in topics they don't find interesting. But, grades that dictate my (highly competitive) career options, money (for school and everything else), and the maintaining and nurturing of my newly found flourishing romance will be threats (not in that order) and catalysts for anxiety. So, when all of those things come crashing through, will I be able to maintain the things I have gained at camp. Will I still be able to look on the map of my future and find myself. Will I be able to uphold the hopes that I have recently found? We shall wait and see.

The absolute worst part about leaving camp is the people. It's weird to consider the only constants in my life for the past eight weeks have been the people and the schedule. And, the single constant above all of that is my increasing interest and attention towards a kind of miniature love. I'll touch this base after camp ends and I'm back home.

The last supper is coming soon, I'm going to come back to these thoughts briefly during my night off. Here is to hoping I don't black out from exhaustion at dinner or council fire. . .