The paradigm of my life.

Let me share with you where I stand right now and where I will stand in just a few hours. . . This is the true paradigm of my life. As you read this you will find that I indeed live two lives divided entirely by my own discordant brain chemistry.

Today I awoke around noon. So I have been awake for over 6 hours. Over the past 25% of this full 24 hours of my day/night I have accomplished nothing. By nothing what I mean to say is this:

I downsized some of the dvds in my collection to put on my ipod. So today I put all of season 1 from The office, The Bourne Ultimatum, Casablanca, and several talks from ted.

One of those talks was from Jonathan Harris so this goes out to you Jonathan (who has some tremendously creative ways of doing things): WARNING DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING!



I feel that if I were to type out this sentence long enough and just keep dragging it out by continuing to type basically nonsensical information in the format that the computer program of Jonathan Harris that identifies that this could possibly be taken note of in such a way because it was written entirely intentionally to grab the attention of their audience and their exploration and so for that reason I apologize to anyone who is just curiously reading this blog though I feel that nobody reads this outside of the people I already know even though my real target audience would be people that I have never met who, if I have never met you then this was probably not the part of the most that you were interested in reading and at this point I have the urge to end the sentence so badly but I do not believe that it is long enough or worthy enough to be shown as a gigantic dot and so I am just going to keep going for a few more lines now and maybe i could put this in bold and write a disclaimer before it about how you don't actually need to read this or read at own risk due to curvature in the river of thought that this thing follows but maybe I was just exaggerating and it could possibly turn out to not be that big of a deal at all and in the end just exist as some stupid thing some stupid blogger wrote and if I don't seem all that great right now it's because I have not really done anything today except existed and I cannot bullshit myself into trusting that I deserve this life but in saying that I am not suicidal at all and you can trust that as soon as this rant is over the entire post will continue and you will see more postings tonight and tomorrow maybe but likely and so without "further to do (say)" I will present you with a remarkable tool and symbol which really holds a place more unique than the zero in that within literature it might just be a dot but it is the nail that holds up structure within the writing as well as the beginning and the end of a thought simultaneously and therefore without any expertise or research I'm just gonna say that it is used across cultures more than the click of a mouse per day here is my friend (who may be invisible based on your eyesight) the period.

now that THAT thing above is out of the way I'll move on with my post. So yes, I have done nothing. I have not eaten. I have had very little to drink. I have not eaten because nothing sounds good and nothing looks good either. But I know that I must eat soon because my blood sugar is dropping and I can feel my body getting weak. I feel slightly dizzy and almost disoriented. I also feel nervous and impatient. The techno music is certainly NOT helping very much/at all.

The paradigm that was talking about earlier is laid out real simple. On days in which I work I awake and feel refreshed. I do not feel tired, but I do not feel energetic. I do not feel excited to be awake or alive but simply relieved to think about the nothing that is planned for me on that given day. On days where I have to get up and go to work two things happen:

If I did not get enough sleep or if I had to go to work before 8am then I awake cranky. I feel angry and I often curse under my breath about how awful it is to have to "live in a world where I am a slave to my schedule, a schedule that does not contribute to who I am or take advantage of my abilities. . ." and then my day continues and usually starts off "bad" and by bad I mean that I don't like being around my job at 5, 6, or 7 in the morning.

Or I awake knowing that I have an hour or two before I must get ready for work. It is on those days I feel the most anxious and uncomfortable. I don't feel that I can afford to really do anything I want to do and so I end up not doing much at all. I convince myself that it is OK to let the time slide by for 60 minutes by checking my email, listening to music, checking LH, checking Bungie, checking Live, etc. Then I go to work while calculating the seemingly endless days previous to this filled with one to two hours putterance.
NOTE: putterance is a word that I just made up. I like it. Feel free to use it without giving me credit, though I'm sure I was not the first.
NOTE: I was just inspired to write a book about Putterance - A consideration of knowledge attained, aspiration, and motivation. . .

Anywho, I'm pitiful. I have so many options for what to do right now and all I really need is some structure and balance. . .

My days are unproductive and every task is equivalent to climbing a 20,000 ft. mountain. That is one life. My nights which typically either don't start at all or hit me after midnight, are the opposite. I find ideas seeping their ways into my head. Often I can't find the output to get them down quickly enough. My entire perception of the world changes after a single synapse fires in my brain. Everything that comes after that blows me away. Every night I feel reborn. Every night The world is full of awe and wonder. Hopes for an everlasting utopian paradise don't seem far off and I imagine myself leading the change and starting a social and cultural revolution to get there. I feel full of energy and enthusiasm for all my thoughts and while I admit to myself that I am probably just high on dopamine, some of my ideas and thoughts hold true during the day too.

I may revisit this subject later on but for now I am well aware of just how badly my body needs food.