I categorize people during the time they walk around and in the bakery, here are some of them.
A. Waiters/Campers - When I'm scheduled to open, I wake at 5 a.m. During the longest day of the year, at 5 a.m. it's still dark out and chance of zombie attack is still relatively high. We open at 6:30 a.m. By six, there are actually people who sit in their cars and look at our store. Probably the most vivid memory of a waiter/camper as I call them, was a man who sat in his jeep cherokee, which was the only car within sight, and read the paper for about 20 minutes until we were in the final 15-20 minutes until the doors unlock. No joke, this dude stands there for the remaining time reading the paper. Another woman joins him. They stand there together. Then my co-worker goes to open the door and the camper waiters are pulling on the door so that the very instant the bolt slides back on the lock the door opens for them. . . WTF. WE SELL PASTRIES NOT CRACK. I mean honestly I'm not that great of a person to ask (well maybe I am) because bakery goods are not a real magnet for me but the stuff from the bakery that employs me is not exceptional (though most call it "the best"). I still don't see the draw to getting coffee cake before the sun comes up. It's not like if it is exposed to light it goes bad. . . Unless it's a vampire cake. Yeah, I know it looks like red velvet. . .
B. Pointers - I think old women are the best at getting up early. I mean, I know that is stereotypical especially on sundays, but I have statistical data, and receipts. Anywho, I'm not sure if it is lack of eyesight, or perhaps just senility setting in, but pointing at something in the store that is 40 feet away and proclaiming "I'll take two of those," just is not specific enough. I'm sorry Eleanor-Ruth but there are a lot of products being specified by your elegantly bony finger. There is a formula to find just how many products you are pointing to at any given time. (Y divided by two where Y is equal to your age)
C. Tellers - There is nothing like a customer who describes to you, what is best about your product. Here is just a sample for you to try:
Me: Hello, what can I get for you today?
Cust: Your fruit torte is so delectable the flavor is amazing!
Me: (chuckle) Well I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Cust: Oooh, soft pretzels! I remember my father used to buy them for me at market.
Me: It's good our products bring fond memories.
Cust: Are these rolls from today, the last time I tasted them I thought they were a little hard.
Me: (THATS WHY THEY ARE CALLED HARD ROLLS) Oh, well yes they were made this morning I personally saw them as they arrived I guarantee they are fresh.
Cust: I never really liked your bagels though, I was always partial to [other bakery].
Me: Sorry to hear that.
Cust: Your cookies are delicious, however, especially the sugared ones.
Me: Delicious is what we bake for.
Cust: I have always been a fan of your brownies as well
Me: Me too they are so moist.
Cust: I remember when this bakery was [in other location]
Me: That was a while ago wasn't it.
Cust: I think you should put more salt in the rye bread
Me: You could always add salt.
-Then the customer will proceed into the following options:
1. Get nothing and leave
2. Get the only thing in the store they did not look at or comment on
D. Askers - It would not surprise me if there was a hidden camera crew directed by a game show host being televised live on, "Memorize your inventory like elementary vocab!" with these people.
Cust: What is in this?
Me: An oatmeal coconut base glazed with a butter-sugar icing. As you can see the yellow in the middle of the oatmeal coconut sandwich is a lemon filling that is both tangy and sweet but not too much of either.
Cust: How bout this?
Me: A graham cracker cookie base with 3 layers of sponge cake, each one separated by exotic fruit jellies that you've never heard of. On top is a hand decorated white chocolate swirl. FYI the fruit was not touched my latin american migrant workers and it was flown in this morning by cybernetic fruit machines so it tastes like it fell out of the tree into your mouth.
Cust:And this?
Me: Well this is something really special. The elves in the back have had this recipe for generations. Before the garden of eden, there was the elves garden called "What if you could make the most intense aphrodisiacs grow on trees AND look like pastries?" But then some some guy name Ogd or something made this weird garden of Eden. Anywho, this may look like a normal cheesecake, but look again, the elves have been able to extract the DNA from the cheesecake tree in their ancient garden from a mosquito in amber and now cheesecakes grow on trees!
Cust: It all looks so wonderful I think I'll be back sometime next week to ask questions again!
E. Complainers - These are the kind of people who would argue with the mathematical fact that 2+2 is indeed 4 just to get two pennies back, save half a second, or get a sick satisfaction out of making your breathing more exacerbated than it really needs to be. These are the people who make comments like:
"Ummm, your coffee is not empty at all but I just dont think 211 degree is hot enough. I would prefer it if you could make another pot of coffee and bring it out while its boiing. . ."
AND
"Can i feel the bread. When was this made? Oh wow just today? Really just 3 hours ago because it feels really hard like its been out here for three weeks. . ." (if you want i could just run back and grab some bread dough for you that has not been cooked it's usually nice and soft.)
AND
"Are you serious? 8 Dollars for a pound of cookies!? Wait you expect to make some kind of profit. I thought you were running a promotion for a charity. . ."
Complainers can also be characterized by doing things like:
Ordering a cake, purchasing it, taking it home, eat all by half a piece, and bringing it back complaining, "I ordered a cake that was chocolate on the left and yellow on the right. Well it was all chocolate.
Me: yes mam it looks like that last sliver of a piece is chocolate. and it is on the left side.
Yeah well, I want a full refund.
Me: I understand and I sympathize but I won't pay you back for a cake you ate.
Yeah but we didn't enjoy it.
Me: Well I'm sorry but you still ate it.
MAN WHATEVER IM NEVER COMING BACK
Me: Well I hate to lose a customer but try saying there was a hair in the cake with the next bakery, it's more compelling.
AND
(It takes a good 30 seconds to a minute to make a box. It takes a good minute to two minutes to select a dozen donuts and put them in the box. Imagine a line of five different customers anxiously awaiting bakery crack. 90 seconds is relatively close to infinity.
You bag two dozen donuts. Then:
"Oh my gosh you bagged them. I'm soooo sorry could you like do you think just put them in a box that was be so great and im running a little late so if you could like you know try to speed it up that would be so fantastic you would like be my favorite."
-=-=-=+OK Part II+=-=-=-
F. Agents - I don't know whether these (mostly women) think they are on some kind of world saving top secret mission or something but they certainly act it. They usually some in around lunchtime. You can tell who they are before you see them because you see their cars, and how they are driven. Typically large SUVs or expensive sporty looking cars. They come in looking like they just played tennis with other rich white people, or like they same from the same business meeting as "Jan," from 'The Office.'
Incredibly polite (and by polite I mean to say that they take time out of there NASA compressed schedule to look at you and sometimes even speak). Often times they walk through the door and stop me at "goo-" or "hel-" to announce their order as if by a king.
"Rogers, an order for Rogers. . ."
I then look up their name in our order book and attempt to confirm the items of purchase. Often while doing this as a professional and personal attempt on my part, they become confused and anxious like a cat in water. Since they have been on a cellphone the entire time they are forces to say "hold on," and frantically inquire,
"yes that was my order is it here!? is everything OK? I called it in last week and the person who took the order was an older sounding woman. . ."
I really do my best to reassure them by showing them the item they called in, "yes, it is here I'm sorry for the confusion there are no problems."
Just let me cut in here real quick. Confusion? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you think that confirming an order with someone is cause for confusing please email be at: etokarinae@gmail.com and explain to me how I can do better. I am genuinely concerned that I have some kind of anxiety release on people because of these outrageous panics that come over people followed by an apology as if it were MY fault. . . UGH!!! six more days.
Then they get the order and sign for their credit card and leave without saying thank you or anything. Often times eye contact is not even attempted.
I had a particular case the other day in which a woman came in and strolled about the store. She waltzed around on her cellphone looking at everything and looking at nothing. Tired of watching her talk about medical issues on her pleasure stroll, I turned to grab a swig of my water from the back. As I twisted into this 180 degree maneuver, I her violent snapping. The customer had actually put her hand in the air and snapped a signal for me to come over, though she never left the phone conversation. She started writing in the air as a sign for me to grab paper for her? I guessed correctly and she wrote down her order and then continued her Nokia Waltz. I grabbed her items and rang them up. I want to say her total was around 19.96 or something. She put down a 20 and left, without saying a single word to me. It's OK though because that cellphone of hers WILL cause cancer, karma said so. . .
G. Inept Mothers - Yes. These are the mothers that refer directly to their children as "psychopath." Since when was it OK to say to a four year old, "Oh Johnny you're such a little psychopath." Hello! mom did you just get out of your straight jacket or what!?
Also the mothers who like to say, "point to what you want!" She's five! I think it's time to say use words, because frankly, banging on the glass/pointing to your food reminds me of caged animals and monkeys at the zoo.
H. Co-Workers - We all have them. Sometimes we luck out. I have two people in particular that I work with who I get along with. Maybe even three. But at the end of the day it's difficult to look back and say I had mostly good experiences with them. I am plagued by people telling me what to do. I admit that I have a horrible work ethic while I am there. I generally try to help as many customers as I can and do the dishes as little as possible. But then again I try to make it into a game, I try to have fun at job. I don't want to be bored and sleepy all day because I hate where I am. My co-workers don't need that apparently. They like to tell me to sweep. It's the way they say it though. The rhetoric of it:
"Would you like to sweep?"
"Would you like to do the stales?"
"Would you like to make the calls and faxes?"
Well, of course. My dreams have escalated to those things. The epitome of my time on this earth has coalesced with all my dreams and aspirations in this moment to perform those tasks!
I mean of course I will get stuff done in time that WE and more importantly I can get the "Lucifer's Lair" outta here!
Not to mention the people that tell me to do these tasks have worked at this bakery for less time than I have. . .
Oh well. Only 40+ hours for the ETA = Eternity 'Till Absence. Also I heard a very funny conversation a few days ago that went something like this:
Man: Kapira, I told you I got work like six minutes ago.
Kapira?
Man: Yuh, I am late.
Kapira?
Man: Look at me right now Kapira doe it look like I care if I make it to yo auntie party?
Wait wait wait, sir, you are on a cell phone. Did you mean "listen to me does it sound"
Feel free to use this wallpaper, it's quite jammin'.
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