Exhausted

Listening to this massive dance track at the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0M6tcQHmIM8 - Roller Head (Klaas Remix) by Dj Shumilin

Anyway. I feel exhausted as a person. I have been feeling increasingly lost lately. I have spent the past year or so trying to justify school now to be a doctor or something later. Freshman year was just such a magical time in my life when I felt like I had it all and life would be on track. Since then, I have just been trying to reclaim that feeling without really caring about the actual moment I was in. Simultaneously, I am always trying to live in the moment like I used to freshman year and neither approach to reclaim the glorified past is working. . .

I should be studying for biology right now. I have been telling myself for the past 9 hours that I should be studying for biology right now. I have completely lost interest in all my classes. I don't appreciate that I can just completely bullshit a five page paper and get an A. Still, I don't want to work hard to sludge through a topic like chemistry (I would rather drop the class, which is what I'm trying to do). I'm not smart enough to get through all of this stuff without trying. And when I do try, I just get an A or B on the top of a piece of paper that represents a waste of time to me. My future feels so out of my own control and grasp that it seems senseless to try to work for it now. There are so many things I would rather do. There are so many things we would all rather do.

Switching tracks, literally - 9 Minutes by Jochen Miller http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rD1FsfGr9_A

AND the things I would rather do now feel like they are building better skills and more relevant knowledge for the future than the garbage I'm drudging through now. Every semester I walk away with a few cents worth of knowledge. Little tid bits of information and jargon find their way out of my head in some instances, so some stuff is getting through. Still, it seems impossible to justify the stress and anxiety that I put myself through now in addition to the actual financial cost for those few nickels of shit that has accumulated in my "pocket".

When I try to imagine myself as an actual happy person, I can't. The "happy" me is not here and is not anywhere. I'm just getting by. There are some friends I have made who are worth my time, my energy, and anything else I can lend. There are a very few people I would give everything to selflessly. And there is one person I can say I would consider dying for. In my life right now, they are the reasons I keep going. I would much rather take a nap for a month. I would much rather blow all of this shit off and decide to hit so far bottom, I can only come up. But that wouldn't be something I want have my dear friends exposed to. It is obligation and duty to them and to my societal identity, whatever that may be, that binds me here.

I can surely escape for moments here and there. My laughs are of momentary pleasure and my smiles are not forced. But, the moments I feel happy in and the moments I look back at with ease are in the severe minority.

Favorite track at the moment is this one - Ecouter (Morgan Page Remix) by Carmen Rizzo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAzypq1I1bY

Goosebumpy vocals!
Moving on. That's pretty much it. I'm going to drop this whole premed thing because if I can barely make it through the sludge of life now, I would probably lose my sanity in med-school which would be sadly not ironic for a psychiatrist. It was a good dream for a little while. I'll add it to my collection of 'Happy thoughts worth keeping'. There it will stay with fragments of a broken heart, childhood visions of super-star athletedom, and stumbling upon fortune before 21. I'm just slowly watering down who I am. I feel that in my past I was a stronger idealist, a more dedicated human being for change, and an advocate for profound universal truths. The only thing I'm looking forward to now, is being in the company of someone I love and playing this silly game with them in a way that is in some way sustaining. All that I ask is to be a little inspired. I want to feel like I can live a little.

With that I'll leave you with this tune. I prefer the starkiller's remix (Robbie Rivera will suffice!) but it doesn't appear to be on youtube :( - Work That Body by Robert Clivilles feat. C&C Music Factory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1pUmU-_npw